An Open Letter to America Haters (written 2/4/08)

I am an American that loves America. By that I mean that I love all things that represent this wonderful republic set forth by our founding fathers more than 1,000 years ago. We are coming up on a critical juncture in the history of our blessed nation. The 2008 presidential election looms over us like tax day looms over Wesley Snipes. The candidates have scratched and clawed their way to this point in the campaign, oftentimes ignoring everything (pain, fatigue, the facts) in their personal bid to reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The field has been narrowed to four legitimate contenders, the Final Four if you will. There are two republican candidates (known as the “good guys”) and two democratic candidates (known as “baby killers”). In case you have been away from the country or in the case you do not speak English because you are here illegally, here is a brief description of each of the candidates.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton- Senator Clinton is trying to become the first person to ever be President twice. Technically her husband Bill Clinton was president from 1993-2001, but we all know who wears the pants suit in that family. Hillary is Geppetto and Bill is Pinnochio, as was evidenced by that whole Lewinsky situation. Since she left office in 2001, Clinton has busied herself as a senator from someone else’s state. In 2007 Clinton made clear her intentions to run for President of the United States, prompting southern men from all over to invoke the phrase “If she wins I’ll move to Guam”. Clinton was the early leader in all-national polls, prompting U-Haul to begin delivering to Guam, and forcing the nation to recognize that, unlike when they originally told us with that whole right to vote and feminist thing; women really can do things now. Senator Clinton has been strong on the issues, mainly her issues with the Bush Administration and Senator Barack Obama’s family origins. Hillary has won the democratic primaries in New Hampshire and Florida, proving that failing eyesight in seniors and illiteracy in New Hampshire can indeed be determining factors at polling places. Clinton’s lead has slipped as of late thanks to her continual need to nag and whine about other candidates, but who didn’t see that coming?

Fun Fact: Senator Clinton recently began to use the name Rodham, thereby subconsciously winning the vote of all Chicago Bulls fans from the late 90’s. Many mistaking her to have some relation to former bull Dennis Rodman.

Senator Barack Obama- First of all, let’s disregard the facts and just base our arguments on stereotypes, the fact that his name sounds like Osama and that email your hard core conservative grandmother sent you. This guy might as well be Darth Vader. If you love America it is your God given duty to not only not vote for Barack Hussein Obama, but to make sure to not listen to anything he says. Even if it sounds sensible or intelligent, his words are nothing but clever Al Queda tricks to woo you into handing over our country to those vile middle-eastern tricksters. Who cares about national health care, ending the war or hope in America? We care about what our forefathers cared about, that being the right to bear arms and American Idol. Obama won South Carolina and Iowa, but who cares about those states?? One of them already tried to secede and the other has no redeeming value inside the continental United States except that it gets to do an early primary. I mean really what is Iowa good for? If you love liberty and freedom do not vote for Barack Obama. If you prefer the Bible to the Koran, do not vote for Barack Obama. If you want to see your children grow up outside of prison camps, do not vote for Barack Obama.

Fun Fact: Barack Hussein Obama was slated to be the twentieth hijacker on September 11th but a late conference call caused him to miss his flight.(Last sentence paid for by Hillary Clinton for President)

Governor Mitt Romney- If you rearrange the letters in the name Mitt Romney, you get: Mormen Tity. I think that chilling statement says enough about this cultist turned candidate. Mitt Romney is the former governor of Massachusetts and is a big fat Mormon. He has just recently changed his position on the issues that make you a republican, those issues being abortion and whether we want the queers to get hitched. Romney early in his political career was a proponent of a woman’s right to choose, going so far as making donations to an abortion clinic and performing abortions in his basement on weekends. (Last sentence paid for by John McCain for President) However, recently Romney has seen the error of his ways and realized the only way for him to become the republican candidate for president was to sweep all that under the rug; a big fat Mormon rug. Romney is for the most part financing his own campaign, even after poor showings in early primaries, the Romney family war cry of “I’m Rich (expletive)!!” can still be heard at Romney rallies throughout the country. Governor Romney also wore a blue pimp suit to the California Republican debate… a big fat Mormon pimp suit.

Fun Fact: Mitt Romney once choked a puppy to death.

Senator John McCain- If you could respell the word liberty, you would spell it M-c-C-a-i-n. That’s right, McCain. Senator John McCain has fought and died in every war America has ever been apart of. He brings a raw toughness and vision to Washington not seen since Martin Sheen in the West Wing. McCain has the edge of an old west gunslinger coupled with the compassion of a cold steel bear trap. McCain was the co-creator of the McCain-Finegold campaign finance reform bill, which was voted best make believe bill of the year in 2002.McCain once ran for president in 2000 but was soundly defeated by then Governor George W. Bush. Since then McCain has actually gotten younger and angrier at all Americans. McCain never really says anything except sarcastic comments about whatever his opponent’s stances are on issues. McCain, despite the fact that no one really understands anything he says has been a huge hit in early republican primaries. McCain carried South Carolina and Florida on his way to being the Republican front-runner. Many voters see him as the tough, experienced, “take the bull by the horns” candidate in an election full of Mormons and minorities.

Fun Fact: McCain can be thanked for planning D-day, Bunker Hill and the Gilmore Girls Marathon on the CW.

So there you have it. Information without any facts to keep us from getting bogged down in having to actually think for ourselves. All four candidates are viable to win the election in November, so be prepared to suffer through 4 more years of the losing side not allowing the winning side to accomplish anything. The way our forefathers intended.