And the Time is Upon Us....

Less than one week from today we will be staring a new president elect right in the face. Well, probably not right in the face, because I seriously doubt that either candidate will have the time to stare 300 million people, including the blind, those that are sleeping and infant babies, directly in their respective faces. Regardless of whether or not you will actually look the winning candidate in the eyes next Wednesday, it still makes for an interesting week ahead. Many Americans have tired of this election, so much so that people have literally killed pets and or relatives over their political affiliations. Take heart weary citizen, there comes a day not far off when political ads, campaign signs, auto-calls and Roland Martin spouting off on CNN will all be put back on the shelf for the next two years. Before those glorious days can come to pass however, we must do our civic duty and wait for 3 hours in the blistering cold to press a button on a touch screen that will then be reviewed by a voting official and possibly changed later in the computer systems by that same voting officials supervisor, who in the name of democracy, believes he or she knows better than you, the ignorant constituent, who should be President of the United States; just as our Forefathers intended. There are good things and bad things about either candidate being voted into office. So, in a last ditch effort to educate the average American voter, I would like to present the cases for both Senator Barack Obama (Dem-Ill) and Senator John McCain (Old-Az).

Senator Barack Obama

Pros: Senator Obama will restore hope to a nation that has seemingly watched its hope fade faster than Miley Cyrus’ adolescence. Also, if elected, Obama will throw a much better celebration party than McCain. Because let’s face it, you have you tubed his dance performance on Ellen and if you haven’t now you will. At his inauguration party, look for a routine between he and Michelle Obama that will have Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris gushing from just off stage. Also, look for all the extra campaign cash, not confetti, to rain down on the beaming Obama’s and Biden’s, while the senator’s aides rake it into piles to help dent the bill that an Obama presidency is already compiling. Also an Obama presidency promises to be full of moving, emotional video tributes to the long, hard, cold, dark, dreary, lonesome, uphill, unpaved, chock full of thugs and bandits, covered in glass and nails, poorly lit, unfit for human travel, political road that the president elect has walked (barefoot) to get to this point. These videos are sure to be full of mega-rich celebrities and tax-payer funded liberal senators talking about “the American dream” and “equality for all” as they portray themselves as the every man. Once in office, President elect Obama promises (via Vice President Joe Biden) to make some decisions that may at first seem retarded (for lack of a better term). However, stick it out with him, he’s new and doesn’t know any better. You don’t get mad at a toddler for falling down when he or she is learning how to walk do you? Then why should we get upset when the new president mishandles Pakistan or any foreign policy concern for that matter? This country will not be dictated to by cruel parents like yourselves, you act like you’re funding this learning experience or something crazy like that. Ok, let’s move on to the cons.

Cons: According to a new letter from the future, obtained by Focus on the Family, here are some things we can look forward to after 4 years of an Obama presidency:
1. President Obama has declared himself Emperor and wears a long black cloak, while VP Biden follows him around, obeying his every whim, lugging a breathing apparatus around behind him and claiming fatherhood of every young staffer in the white house.
2. Public schooling is law. If found, home school students and their families are executed in their front yards.
3. President Obama prays to the Greek god Aether on the steps of the capitol and a meteor shower destroys the Republican National Convention.
4. You cannot hold a job in the American work force unless you are gay.
5. We are eventually conquered by Russia. (Ok so this one might not be that far-fetched)
The letter goes on, but I don’t have the time or the legal rights to continue, but you get the gist. I don’t know about you but letters from the future are never good. Just ask that guy who used to be on “early edition”, you know that show where the guy got tomorrow’s newspaper today?. Did he ever get good news? Like stock tips or lottery numbers? Nope, it was always that the blind chick he was friends with was going to be hit by a bus or his apartment burned to the ground because an unidentified neighbor left a curling iron on the stove next to some pine straw she had collected earlier in the week. Then this poor guy has to spend an entire hour long episode trying to figure out which of his neighbor’s has a curling iron and access to pine straw, all the while dealing with unsuspecting and rude building occupants hassling him about his mental health and whether or not he has a warrant. So finally in the end he finds the apartment, puts out the fire, lectures the ignorant neighbor on proper fire procedures, scores a date with her and goes back to his apartment where he finds out that the blind chick just got hit by a bus. See, who wants to wish that on that poor guy? But that’s the kind of world we’ll live in with an Obama presidency. Oh and he(Obama not Gary from Early Edition) is kind of a socialist.

Senator John McCain

Pros: We get to see the election night rendition of the McCain “I told you so” smirk. You know the one where he looks at the camera like he’s David Copperfield and he knows exactly where the tiger went. Once McCain is deemed the winner (after weeks of court cases) we will watch Bob Schieffer weep openly on television, Keith Olbermann gorge himself on his own words and the entire cast of the view (minus Elizabeth) walk off the set and move to France. Sounds like a win, win, win situation for the American public. The cover of all major newspapers will not be McCain at his election party but instead Senator Obama sitting alone sipping a 40oz. on the steps of Congress with the lifeless body of Joe Biden next to him, with a clever title like “Obama bludgeons Biden to death: from the white house to the big house, an American dream gone array”. Once McCain wrests power away from the well funded Obama campaign machine, he will start to enact his policies, which I’m not really sure what they are, I just know that he says they’re different than Obama’s…. and something about ear marks and barrels of pork. Also look for a nuclear power plant coming to a town near you, which means new jobs and radiation poisoning for the whole family!! McCain also promises to change the policies of the last eight years and be a bi-partisan leader that can “reach across the aisle” and engage others simply by referring to them as “my friends”. As proven by the Senators amicable kinship with former democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman (who I must say, reminds me so much of the dad on ‘Alf’ that it’s scary). There’s really no resisting the “my friends” line.

Cons: The guy could kick the bucket while in office, thereby ushering in the reign of Potentate Palin. All the cabinet positions would be given to “hockey mahms and Joe six pack” and we would probably start drilling in Minneapolis or San Diego, because everyone should have the privilege of enjoying a good view of an oil rig. There are other cons but I can only cast so much gloom in one paragraph. I think this should be reason enough to consider you contact your state senator to make sure that Senator McCain is receiving his daily physical. Also watch for really strange events taking place at the White House, like shuffle board and bingo night.

So there you have it. My next blog will be written under a new President elect. Think of these truths I have imparted unto you over these last few months. Think of them when you lie down at night, when you are in the voting booths and when you speak to your children. Take your children to the voting booths with you and let them vote too, because there is no better person to teach your children about voter fraud than you. If you don’t do it ACORN will, and then you too will owe them money and places of authority in your White House.

An Open Letter to America Haters (written 2/4/08)

I am an American that loves America. By that I mean that I love all things that represent this wonderful republic set forth by our founding fathers more than 1,000 years ago. We are coming up on a critical juncture in the history of our blessed nation. The 2008 presidential election looms over us like tax day looms over Wesley Snipes. The candidates have scratched and clawed their way to this point in the campaign, oftentimes ignoring everything (pain, fatigue, the facts) in their personal bid to reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The field has been narrowed to four legitimate contenders, the Final Four if you will. There are two republican candidates (known as the “good guys”) and two democratic candidates (known as “baby killers”). In case you have been away from the country or in the case you do not speak English because you are here illegally, here is a brief description of each of the candidates.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton- Senator Clinton is trying to become the first person to ever be President twice. Technically her husband Bill Clinton was president from 1993-2001, but we all know who wears the pants suit in that family. Hillary is Geppetto and Bill is Pinnochio, as was evidenced by that whole Lewinsky situation. Since she left office in 2001, Clinton has busied herself as a senator from someone else’s state. In 2007 Clinton made clear her intentions to run for President of the United States, prompting southern men from all over to invoke the phrase “If she wins I’ll move to Guam”. Clinton was the early leader in all-national polls, prompting U-Haul to begin delivering to Guam, and forcing the nation to recognize that, unlike when they originally told us with that whole right to vote and feminist thing; women really can do things now. Senator Clinton has been strong on the issues, mainly her issues with the Bush Administration and Senator Barack Obama’s family origins. Hillary has won the democratic primaries in New Hampshire and Florida, proving that failing eyesight in seniors and illiteracy in New Hampshire can indeed be determining factors at polling places. Clinton’s lead has slipped as of late thanks to her continual need to nag and whine about other candidates, but who didn’t see that coming?

Fun Fact: Senator Clinton recently began to use the name Rodham, thereby subconsciously winning the vote of all Chicago Bulls fans from the late 90’s. Many mistaking her to have some relation to former bull Dennis Rodman.

Senator Barack Obama- First of all, let’s disregard the facts and just base our arguments on stereotypes, the fact that his name sounds like Osama and that email your hard core conservative grandmother sent you. This guy might as well be Darth Vader. If you love America it is your God given duty to not only not vote for Barack Hussein Obama, but to make sure to not listen to anything he says. Even if it sounds sensible or intelligent, his words are nothing but clever Al Queda tricks to woo you into handing over our country to those vile middle-eastern tricksters. Who cares about national health care, ending the war or hope in America? We care about what our forefathers cared about, that being the right to bear arms and American Idol. Obama won South Carolina and Iowa, but who cares about those states?? One of them already tried to secede and the other has no redeeming value inside the continental United States except that it gets to do an early primary. I mean really what is Iowa good for? If you love liberty and freedom do not vote for Barack Obama. If you prefer the Bible to the Koran, do not vote for Barack Obama. If you want to see your children grow up outside of prison camps, do not vote for Barack Obama.

Fun Fact: Barack Hussein Obama was slated to be the twentieth hijacker on September 11th but a late conference call caused him to miss his flight.(Last sentence paid for by Hillary Clinton for President)

Governor Mitt Romney- If you rearrange the letters in the name Mitt Romney, you get: Mormen Tity. I think that chilling statement says enough about this cultist turned candidate. Mitt Romney is the former governor of Massachusetts and is a big fat Mormon. He has just recently changed his position on the issues that make you a republican, those issues being abortion and whether we want the queers to get hitched. Romney early in his political career was a proponent of a woman’s right to choose, going so far as making donations to an abortion clinic and performing abortions in his basement on weekends. (Last sentence paid for by John McCain for President) However, recently Romney has seen the error of his ways and realized the only way for him to become the republican candidate for president was to sweep all that under the rug; a big fat Mormon rug. Romney is for the most part financing his own campaign, even after poor showings in early primaries, the Romney family war cry of “I’m Rich (expletive)!!” can still be heard at Romney rallies throughout the country. Governor Romney also wore a blue pimp suit to the California Republican debate… a big fat Mormon pimp suit.

Fun Fact: Mitt Romney once choked a puppy to death.

Senator John McCain- If you could respell the word liberty, you would spell it M-c-C-a-i-n. That’s right, McCain. Senator John McCain has fought and died in every war America has ever been apart of. He brings a raw toughness and vision to Washington not seen since Martin Sheen in the West Wing. McCain has the edge of an old west gunslinger coupled with the compassion of a cold steel bear trap. McCain was the co-creator of the McCain-Finegold campaign finance reform bill, which was voted best make believe bill of the year in 2002.McCain once ran for president in 2000 but was soundly defeated by then Governor George W. Bush. Since then McCain has actually gotten younger and angrier at all Americans. McCain never really says anything except sarcastic comments about whatever his opponent’s stances are on issues. McCain, despite the fact that no one really understands anything he says has been a huge hit in early republican primaries. McCain carried South Carolina and Florida on his way to being the Republican front-runner. Many voters see him as the tough, experienced, “take the bull by the horns” candidate in an election full of Mormons and minorities.

Fun Fact: McCain can be thanked for planning D-day, Bunker Hill and the Gilmore Girls Marathon on the CW.

So there you have it. Information without any facts to keep us from getting bogged down in having to actually think for ourselves. All four candidates are viable to win the election in November, so be prepared to suffer through 4 more years of the losing side not allowing the winning side to accomplish anything. The way our forefathers intended.