Land of the Buy One Get One Free. (Written 10/8/08)

Smear campaigns just aren’t the same anymore. In 1804, Alexander Hamilton lead a smear campaign against former vice president Aaron Burr that cost Burr the chance to be Governor of New York. Burr was, to say the least “put off” by Hamilton’s words and actions, so he in turn shot Hamilton in a duel. That is America. Of course I am being facetious when I openly suggest that violence is the answer to the political smear advertisements that are posing as presidential campaigns in America today. As I watched the second of three presidential debates last evening, I was struck at how spineless our national leaders have become. Now I know that many of you Sarah Palin-ites are lamenting my last comment “Spineless! That lady kills animals with her bare hands!” but stick with me here. Here are my thoughts on how both Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama can win the white house for their respective parties.

John McCain: It’s really about Senator McCain changing his vocabulary habits. First and foremost, stop using the word maverick, especially when you are more James Garner “maverick” than Tom Cruise “maverick”. Seriously, there has to be another word you use to describe yourself like ‘grandfatherly’ or ‘crotchety’ or something. The McCain campaign uses the word maverick more than Dallas area sports announcers. Secondly, please stop using the words ‘earmark’ and ‘pork barrel’ except in the case of taking on animal rights issues inside sausage processing plants. No one understands what those words mean in context and it makes obese people lose their train of thought. Thirdly, we all know that Obama voted 94 times to raise taxes. We get it. You said it. Please stop trying to work it into sentences where ever possible, it has no place being mentioned while you’re ordering room service, the staff has complained. Other than vocabulary McCain has to remain solid on his stronger issues. Mainly national security and that he hasn’t died yet. He has to continue to hammer home that he has more experience than Senator Obama, McCain has fought more fights, passed more bills, driven a car longer, been able to speak English longer, lost his virginity nearly a century before Obama, eaten solid food longer (however that Obama may catch up seeing as how Senator McCain is on a steady campaign diet of Metamucil and liquid Maalox). McCain must continue to call Senator Obama things like “rookie” or “naïve” or “whippersnapper” if he wants to really drive the age difference home. I mean it’s just like picking teams for kick ball at recess; you always pick the older kids first, why? Because the older kids know how the game is played and can really hurt you if they give your strategy away to the other team. Senator McCain must continue to preach foreign policy and shy away from issues he isn’t as strong on such as the economy. More about NATO and less about Nasdaq, Johnny. ( Authors side note: Speaking of foreign policy, I’d like to give a shout out to Israel. I’ve discovered that Israel is like America’s kid brother with anger issues. Just like with your brother, you’ll spend most of the time pulling him away from fights, but then that one day comes when you ring the bell and let him out of his cage. That day is coming my friends.)Finally I believe that John McCain has got to stop with his sense of humor. It’s like that infamous Michael Richard’s routine. Nobody laughs. It’s uncomfortable and the minority vote has already angrily walked out the door. Leave the jokes to Governor Palin, her comedic wit is as sharp as the buck knife she skins deer with. I have a question, didn’t we run into problems because our current VP goes on hunting trips? Are we setting ourselves up for an annual “VP shoots civilian in the face” headline?

Barack Obama: Say something. Say anything. Say that you will bomb Pakistan or tax us all silly or that for $15 an hour you’ll juggle and make balloon animals at birthday parties, I don’t care what you say but say something that isn’t on a teleprompter or wasn’t scripted out for you by your staff. I know that when you talk about issues words are coming out of your mouth but none of the words actually ever take a stance on the question being asked or the issue at hand. That being said here are some ways that Senator Obama can increase his popularity and lead in the polls.
• A duet with Miley Cyrus.
• Drop Joe Biden, add Tina Fey.
• Have his own flavor of Gatorade. (I’m thinking Obama-ade. It sounds like an explosive flavor and is a great name for his health care package as well)
• Have a back alley fist fight with Alan Keyes.

I think all of these options all but seal up the nomination. However, there are several things I think that the senator from Illinois is doing to make things much harder on himself. Such as consistently crediting his wife for all of his ideas, seriously the senator of all people should know that America doesn’t want a woman running the country. Plus Michelle Obama always looks one step away from clubbing a campaign activist to death. It makes sense that he didn’t choose Hillary Clinton as his VP when you think the man apparently already has one woman telling him what to do, why would he want another? Also he needs to avoid the whole financial crisis, which is exactly what he has done. Just stand back and say “Things are getting better” when things are getting better and “Things are getting worse” when things are getting worse. The media will deem you a prophet and a “young, brilliant economic mind” and will totally ignore the fact that your next two children should be named Fannie and Freddie.

Keep talking about change. People like to talk about change but don’t necessarily like to take the steps to enact it. Keep talking about hope. Hope is easier to talk about when you’re on the outside looking in. Keep talking about the land of opportunity that continues to ship jobs overseas. It’s a great speech, I’m just cynical enough however to wonder if it can become a reality.So this is America less than a month from the general election. May the most clever campaign manager win.